I’ve hit the wall. It's hard to say that since I really do pride myself on being a strong person. But I realized it this morning as I flew about the house trying to pack up my son’s lunch, brush his teeth, get his shoes on, get him slathered in sunscreen, remember to bring diapers to daycare, put on my own shoes, think about meeting the family later that morning to plan a funeral, wonder how I’m going to write two sermons this week, regret getting in from a meeting last night at 10pm…
I’ve hit the wall. I was short with my son this morning when I really didn’t need to be. He doesn’t understand that I sometimes have to go get ready while he eats breakfast. Or do I? I kick myself and say I should maybe just get up earlier. He cried because I put his sunscreen on; I cried because we were going to be late out the door, which meant that I may not get to walk him to his classroom and assure myself (probably more than him) that he’s in good hands and ready for the day ahead.
I’ve hit the wall. The overriding emotion of this day so far has been anger, with a close runner-up being sadness. There are so many things to do and I just don’t know how I’m going to get them done. Worse, I’m not sure I care very much about them.
So, shortly after getting to the office, after considering letting myself have a good cry (and opting out since I do have some professional meetings today and little time to repair the damage it would do to my face) and putting my head down on my desk to feel the cold, hard surface against my hot cheek, I remembered what I’m supposed to do.
When I hit the wall, I’m supposed to turn to God. And while God won’t take care of making dinner tonight or put together the weekly newsletter or watch my son while I just go to the bathroom, God will take care of me. The stuff I really need, the sense of peace and joy that’s just beyond my reach right now, is possible with God’s help.
So, God, please help me, because my strength is failing and I can’t see my way out at the moment. And if this middle-class, home-buying, recycling wife, mother, and pastor can’t find the way out, I pray that you are even more present and known to those who really are hitting the wall.
“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and strengthens the powerless. Even youths will faint and be weary, and the young will fall exhausted; but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” – Isaiah 40:28-31
Have you hit the wall lately?
Have you hit the wall lately?
