the magical, mystical art of holding space

Earlier this year, I had the privilege of beginning a journey through the Center for Courage and Renewal with many other young-ish United Methodists from around the country. I can’t explain what a gift this cohort has been, through both our retreat time together and our monthly peer learning circles. Especially since this season in my life has seen an unprecedented amount of change and transition. From large church associate pastor to medium church senior pastor now to small church associate pastor. From mother of one to bereaved parent to mother of two children this side of heaven. From wife of a doctoral student to, well, still a student but now ABD (all but dissertation)!

And through it all, I’ve come to know the magical, mystical art of holding space. At first glance, it seems like a contradiction in terms. After all, space is like nothing and how can you grip nothingness in your two hands?

But my experience with Courage and Renewal practices has taught me that space is like a wide-brimmed cup. If you are fortunate, others will hold the space open for you so you can pour yourself into it, so you can see yourself truly again, so you can once again know how God is gently holding you when it feels like you are lost in the great wide open of here.

And I should have know this. I am a believer in body wisdom – that our bodies can and do teach us the deeper realities of life – so I really should have understood more about holding space. After all, my mothering body has already shown me the wonder of holding space as new life comes into being within.

Holding space recognizes that redemption and transformation and real, honest to goodness growth, can’t be forced. As you embrace the art of it all, you know that the greatest gift you can give, to yourself or to someone else, is to simply hold the space open wide, without judgment, without diminishing their truth, without rushing to conclusions or easy answers.

In this season of my life, there are still a lot of questions and it’s easy to doubt myself. But I also know that if I practice the magical, mystical art of holding space, of resting with the tension, of leaning into the uncertainty, God will unfailingly show up in the space, too.

God’s heart holds space for us. It reminds me of that scripture – “Don’t be troubled. Trust in God. Trust also in me. My Father’s house has room to spare. If that weren’t the case, would I have told you that I’m going to prepare a place for you?” (John 14:1-2 CEB).

I don’t have to be afraid when I feel lost or when I feel a sense of nothing yawning vast around. I don’t have to be tempted to hustle for approval or conform to the expectations around me. God has room to spare, God has space for me and for you and for everyone. Space for breathing and becoming and being. Glory be! 

Courage in Relationships

One of my favorite parts of the holidays is the way it brings together friends and family. I’m not great at sending birthday cards or having long phone conversations, so I appreciate cultural norms that bring us face to face. There’s nothing like really connecting with others when you share space.

I also love people-watching. When I was working on my undergraduate degree, I nearly got a minor in sociology – the academic way to say people-watching. And in seminary, I took family system classes – the theological, psychological way to say people-watching.

So I couldn’t help but watch during holiday get-togethers. I noticed how unkind one dear woman was to herself. When something would go awry, she would often preface her aside with “well, that was stupid…” or “I’m so stupid…” I was saddened that a mature, faithful woman would speak so harshly to herself. And you know that there was probably more going on internally.

I noticed the curious way we all fall back on old habits when we are around our family of origin – the family we grew up with. When we’re with our parents, we can’t help but become something like the children we once were, and sometimes that’s not very pretty. We follow long standing patterns of relating with siblings – teasing them about weight, lateness, etc. – no matter how old we are.

Recently I’ve been trying to read my Brene Brown book, The Gifts of Imperfection, again. I can race through novels in under a week, but I’ve been trying to read this book for over a year because it’s like rich fudge – I can only read a little bit before it’s too much. I have to set it down to reflect.

Brown says that the three gifts of imperfection are courage, compassion, and connection. The latter two I get and value already. But she points out that the three are inextricably linked together. So it took me a while to unpack what she had to say about courage. It rang a bell in my mind because “courage” was the word I chose to guide my journey in 2014.

According to Brown, courage is less about heroics and more about the original definition of the word, which meant to share your heart by telling your story. If you think about it, and how all of our stories are complex messes of sweet successes and utter failures, you’ll have a good idea of why this is the definition of courage.

Brown also happens to be a shame researcher and it was through her work that she came to discover these gifts. Because shame can’t stand courage. Shame thrives on secrecy, embarrassment, and fear. When we overcome shame by having the courage to share our story, connecting with another in authentic relationship and receiving compassion, shame is banished!

Watching the dear ones in my life these holidays, I wondered how much of our familiar ruts are based on shame and just how much courage it would take to intentionally speak the truth of our lives to one another. And how much stronger our bonds could ultimately be if we did.

We’re built to live in relationship, with each other and with God. It’s no coincidence that Jesus says, “For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them" (Matthew 18:20). It’s also not coincidental that this teaching comes right before the question of how many times we have to forgive one another. To be in relationship, we have to be ready and willing to exercise forgiveness muscles that may be weak from lack of use.

Another point Brown makes in her book that made me stop to reflect was about self-talk. If we are called to forgive our brothers and sisters, we are also called to forgive ourselves. And yet, think about your typical day. If you’re anything like me, you probably find yourself lacking in the mirror, on the scale, on the road, as a parent, and on and on. It’s easy for us to become our harshest critics.

But if we are to be loving and kind toward others, we have to start practicing that with ourselves. So, next time you find yourself slipping into the easy, unredeemed rut of speaking negatively toward yourself, remember the magnificent God who made you and have courage. You are a beloved child of God and nothing can change that. Praise be to God!

Courage in 2014

Just after the first of the year, words started popping up on my social media. Single words shared what my friends, colleagues, and family members were going to focus on in 2014. I embraced the idea since this year brought a whole lot of new to my life – new church, new home, new role, new people. And every new beginning gives the opportunity to grow into who we’d like to become.

Looking for the origin of this idea, I found One Word 365 and MyOne Word. One Word 365 said: “Forget New Year’s Resolutions. Scrap that long list of goals. Choose just one word. One word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live. One word that you can focus on every day, all year long. It will take intentionality and commitment, but if you let it, your one word will shape not only your year, but also you. It will become the compass that directs your decisions and guides your steps.”

God is my compass, but I also know the power of words to shape us and the world we live in. After all, God called creation into being through the Word. So I prayed, asking God what I would need in the year ahead, how I might grow, who I might become with all the opportunities and challenges ahead.

COURAGE is my word for 2014. You can read the original post about that here. This is the word God is speaking into my life that I’m confident will not return empty, but accomplish what God has in mind (see Isaiah 55:11). 

This all came to mind because our church is in the midst of our Disciple’s Eleven series. God’s revelation to us is not just a story about a divine being, but about divine love and God’s desire for relationship with us. To live healthy, whole lives as disciples, we need relationships!

Last Sunday we talked about Barnabas, the son of encouragement. En-courage-ment. Courage - from the Middle English corage, equivalent to the Old French cuer which means heart. If courage is to have heart, then encouragement is to put heart back into someone when life has left them battered, bruised, and bleeding. If I am to have courage, then I also need a Barnabas (or ten) who encourage me, who slap me on the back and make me take a breath when I’ve stopped breathing deeply in the Spirit.

This next Sunday, we’ll talk about Peter and Paul, focusing on how we all need a Yoda. Yoda is, of course, the Jedi master and teacher of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker from Star Wars. 

For Christians, we see this principle in Peter and Paul as they become mentors, coaches, and spiritual teachers for the fledgling church. We need people to look up to – wiser, God-energized guides who help us find our way through challenges that aren’t for faint hearts or weak stomachs.

One way I’ve seen courage playing out in my life this year is in my search for Peters/Pauls. In my new role, I’ve realized how much I don’t know about tax code, electrical systems, and so many other things. And although it sometimes stings my pride or makes me shove things around in an overloaded calendar, I’ve sought out mentors.

In a culture that glorifies busy and hurry, it’s hard to have the patience of presence to allow the gradual work of learning to occur. A lot of life is just osmosis as we soak up wisdom and experience simply by being with another. Osmosis was how protégés like Timothy, Titus, Epaphroditus, Erastus, Epaphras, Silas, Luke, John Mark, and others learned from Paul. They traveled with him, watched what he did, and then were given their own assignments to see how well they were developing their potential.

In another church I served, the senior pastor gave this blessing to each baptized person, “(Name), your church loves you. We make this vow in your presence, to surround you in steadfast love. Who you are is God’s gift to you. Who you become is your gift to God. Amen.” I always found it such a succinct, beautiful summary of life. Spending time with our Peters/Pauls helps us grow into the gift we ultimately offer to God. And that takes some courage.

A Good Conspiracy

A few weeks ago, I attended one of my husband’s doctoral recitals at UNT. He is a saxophonist and, for one piece, he played with a quintet of other woodwinds. What struck me most powerfully, besides its beauty, was the fact that there was no director. Just six individuals, keeping an eye and an ear toward each other as they made music.

This was a good conspiracy. The less common definition of “conspire” is “to act in harmony toward a common end” (see merriam-webster.com). It comes from the from the Latin “conspirare,” from the root parts “con,” which means together, and “spirareto,” which means breathe. Originally, to conspire was simply to breathe together.

I know, my English degree is showing as we explore these word roots, but language is important. That’s why we spend so much time in the words of Scripture. Words have power. “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there until they have watered the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and succeed in the thing for which I sent it” (Isaiah 55:10-11).

 

God’s word goes out and does not return empty. In Hebrew, the word for wind/breath/spirit is “ruah.” Usually, you can’t see your breath. It’s intangible; you can’t grab it. When all is well, we don’t think about it too much. But the ancient measure between a living person and a dead person was breath – one had it and the other did not. 

In that recital, the musicians were conspiring. They were literally breathing together as they brought forth something more wondrous than any of them could have alone. I could see it in the movement of their shoulders and hear it in the rippling waves of sound that came from their instruments. And most magnificently of all, even as they breathed together, they listened to one another, balancing the volume of each part so that no one was dominant or out of accord.

There are so many lessons we can learn from the arts. It’s powerful to breathe with our fellow creatures and with our Creator. When I breathe with others, when I get down to the basic things that make us human – like wanting the best for our kids, longing to feel safe and secure, needing enough food each day – I am able to have compassion. I am able to see deeper than the picky, pesky things that separate us and see them as my brother or sister, struggling just as much as I do just to breathe sometimes.

When we breathe with our Creator, when we allow our spirit to be one with the Holy Spirit, who knows what we might do?! We become comforted such that we can offer comfort. We are set on fire for God, our souls restless for justice and righteousness. We are empowered to be change agents in a broken world desperately in need of good news that transforms.

This Sunday at the Krum Church, we’ll affirm that Easter people witness. It’s a word that’s gotten a bad reputation, as we might recall a street preacher with a bullhorn, condemning people to hell without even knowing their names. Or the awkward teenager handing out sinner’s prayer pamphlets which promise to bring eternal life without relationship.

Being a witness is our Christian calling and I encourage those of us who are shy about it, because we’ve seen it done poorly or hurtfully, to reclaim it! Being a witness is simply about being someone who has seen something happen and is willing to tell about it. I pray that you have seen the word of God work in your life. That is something to talk about!

One of our gospels states, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being in him was life, and the life was the light of all people” (John 1:1-4). May the life that comes through Jesus Christ –abundant, overflowing, grace-filled – come into being in us. And may we have the courage to tell someone!

New Year: One Word

Just after the first of the year, the words started popping up on my Facebook and Instagram. Just one word to share what my friends, colleagues, and family members were going to intentionally focus on in the coming year.

I love this idea. I’m starting this new year with a whole lot of new – new appointment, new church, new house, new routine, new role, new people – so the first sermon series I’m offering is about new year’s resolutions for Christians. It’s really good for us to set goals, but so many times our new year’s resolutions become an unfortunate avenue for our negative self-talk by trying to push ourselves into becoming the people we think we should be. I hope I’m offering something life-giving as we talk about recognizing Jesus, embracing our baptism, living the life, etc.

But I kept coming back to this one word idea. Looking for its origin, I found a couple of websites: One Word 365 and My One Word. So maybe not a completely a new idea, but another thing that is new to me. I liked how One Word 365 said it:

“Forget New Year’s Resolutions. Scrap that long list of goals you won’t remember three weeks from now anyway. Choose just one word. One word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live. One word that you can focus on every day, all year long. It will take intentionality and commitment, but if you let it, your one word will shape not only your year, but also you. It will become the compass that directs your decisions and guides your steps. Discover the big impact one word can make.”

Honestly, I want God to be my compass, but there is power in words. So I prayed. For days. I asked God what I would need in the year ahead, how I might grow, who I might become with all the opportunities and challenges ahead. This scripture passage kept me company in the incubation:

For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, 

and do not return there until they have watered the earth, 

making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, 

so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; 

it shall not return to me empty, 

but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, 

and succeed in the thing for which I sent it. (Isaiah 55:10-11)

This is my word:

I will check in on how this one word guides me this year. I invite you to consider finding your own word. There aren’t any fancy rules. The word doesn’t have to mean anything to anyone but you. It can be simple, it can be another language, it can be an action, a thought, or an emotion. But spend time in prayer, find the word that God is speaking into your life, the one that will not return empty, but accomplish what God has in mind.